Grape?
by Akemi Maxwell
Summary: Heero and Quatre get turned into chibis. Duo thinks he's a mommy. Trowa has amnesia and Wufei loses his brain. This is the funniest fic i've ever written, but that's for you to judge.


Grape? 12/20/02 By B.R or Akemi Maxwell. Gundam Wing TM belongs to Sunrise and TVAshi, all rights reserved. (I called it "Grape" because Quatre has a grape lollipop.)  
  
"Whew, what a day!"  
  
That was all Duo said to himself while he sat on the couch to watch a little TV. He flipped the channels without even watching two minutes of it to see if it was good or not. Their small temporary home didn't have cable, so watching T.V. was by all means no entertainment. He finally found channel sixty-three, and a smirk crept onto his face. "Hey, Quatre, your favorite show is on!"  
  
The small platinum blonde rushed down the stairs and ran up beside Duo, the evil grin still on his cute features. "What!! Teletubbies!!" He slapped Duo's bare shoulder and stormed into the kitchen. Mumbling could be heard but faintly.  
  
Duo sniggered and changed the channel to "more suitable channel", the only good channel on TV, and turned down the volume. Now Duo was a respectable boy, cute, a good and bad sense of humor, he could change a tire in no time flat, a little smart, but even a person like him can have nasty habits. Duo, like every other teenaged boy, liked to watch inappropriate television once in a while, but never a great while.  
  
Quatre snuck up behind the couch and stared, jaw-dropped at the screen. "Hey, Duo's watching that "channel" again!" Duo slapped his hand over Quatre's mouth and flipped the channels to a Tuesday talk show.  
  
"No, I wasn't!" Duo protested, of course.  
  
Heero came down stairs and glared at Duo. Then silently went over to the coat rack and took his fine jean-jacket. "Hey, Where you goin'?" Duo sat up. Duo wanted to go everywhere Heero went, because he thought it was appropriate for friends to hang out together all the time.  
  
"Just to shop around," was all Heero said. He stepped toward the mirror on the key rack and combed his hair forward a little, taking the key when finished. Duo seemed hopeful.  
  
"Can I come?" He made sad puppy eyes and tossed his unbraided hair.  
  
"No."  
  
Duo pouted. He always did when he got "dissed". "Why not?"  
  
"Just because."  
  
Duo became suspicious of the Perfect soldier and slouched back down on the couch. If his best friend didn't want him to go, then he wouldn't go. 'He's going to waste money! But why is he always going alone? Could he be up to something? Maybe it's illegal! Maybe he's buying drugs or even smuggling human organs to other countries!!'  
  
Duo shook his head. What was he thinking? Human organs, where did he come up with that? Duo decided to bug someone else until Heero came back. He got his black hat and filled it with strips of paper with the remaining three friends' names written on them. He pulled Trowa's name. How charming.  
  
Heero walked the streets of the city, three bags of items already in his hand. He looked side-to-side at the flea markets. "Hmm, Ok," he said to himself.  
  
He was headed towards one tent in particular. It had an array of mysterious items, some lying on pillows as if prized and attractive colors, reds blues and loads of purple.  
  
"Ah! A costumer comes to Stella!" A woman wearing the same shade of purple as the items, said happily in a strange accent.  
  
"What exactly do you sell?" Heero asked crouching down, seeing there where no tables, and eyeing the stuff, a slight hint of interest in his voice.  
  
"I do not sell, boy, I trade! If you want something, you will have to exchange!"  
  
Heero looked at the ring on his thumb. He had found it on the porch of the house when they had first moved there and respected it. It was purple, like the items on the pillows, with impressive strips of gold. "How 'bout this?"  
  
Obviously the woman was interested because she grabbed his hand and examined the ring. "This ring looks valuable but you still trade it to Stella, no? Please choose anything, anything at all!" her eyes demanded an answer.  
  
Heero looked over the items, fascinating bottles containing what, he did not know, lockets, and much more. One black bottle, however, stood out from the rest of the items. "What's that?" He nodded over to the bottle.  
  
"Oh," Stella picked it up. Should she trade a customer so handsome and nice as this boy, this mysterious bottle of cursed scents? It was for something valuable--No she couldn't, could she?  
  
Without even a second hesitation, she said, "Here, if you really want it, you can have it. But let me warn you, boy, never open that bottle for any reason what so ever, for a curse is upon that black bottle of which you desire!"  
  
Heero was listening, but wondering at the same time. Why did he exchange a valuable ring for an exotic item he can't even use? He decided he'd take it; anyway he was too fond of it already. "I'll heed your warning," he said satisfied, getting up and leaving a very happy and rich dealer to take pride in her new prize.  
  
Duo was up in Trowa's room, lying on the ground next to Trowa while he did push-ups. Trowa was only on his twenty-eighth, thanks to Duo who was obviously enjoying himself. Duo waited until Trowa was pushing up to tease him.  
  
"Horny toad!" Duo screamed in Trowa's ear.  
  
Trowa lost balance and struggled to get up, laughing. "Shut the hell up!" He said giggling.  
  
Another push-up.  
  
"Crotch!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Another push-up.  
  
"Boobies!"  
  
"Ha-SHUT UP-hee!!"  
  
Duo giggled and sat up while Trowa rolled over to do sit-ups. Trowa waited to hear Duo's teasing but the moron just sat there waiting too.  
  
So Trowa started his sit-ups.  
  
"Guess what, Trowa?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Hee-hee, You're gym-nasty!"  
  
Trowa laughed and his chest hurt.  
  
Quatre came to inspect where the laughing was coming from and was stunned to see Trowa giggling his brains out. "Wow! Trowa, you're laughing!"  
  
"Yep. Duo Maxwell can make anyone laugh!" Duo cuddled Quatre while he giggled too.  
  
Quatre opened up a lollipop and offered a lick to Duo. "Grape?"  
  
"No thank you, grape makes me horny and you wouldn't want that now would you?"  
  
More laughter burbled up as they remembered the time Duo had drank some grape soda and practically broke everything in the house chasing Hilde. The poor girl was screaming her head off. (I'm really sorry yaoi fans, I didn't want to say Heero because I'd get in trouble, the other parts are supposed to be "brotherly" not shounen-ai.)  
  
They stopped when they heard the front door open and a pair of car keys being deposited in a glass vase. Suddenly Duo bound down the stairs and tackled a familiar form. "Heero's home!"  
  
Quatre and Trowa just looked at each other when they heard "Get off me!!" and got up to go downstairs.  
  
When they arrived in the kitchen, Duo was still clinging onto Heero's back, while poor Yuy, was struggling to keep balance and restrain his rage. "He's just retarded, down lash out, he's just retarded-" Heero chanted.  
  
"What did you get?" Quatre asked poking his head in one of the bags.  
  
"Just stuff,"  
  
"Anything for me?" Duo let go of the Perfect soldier and nosed in a bag too.  
  
"You guys! Its just stuff to put around the house!"  
  
"Again?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Duo was staring at Heero.  
  
"What?" Heero stared back.  
  
"Have you ever done any drugs before?"  
  
"No! What makes you say that?"  
  
Duo just scuffed his feet on the ground. "Well, because you're always going out late at night and leave us at home."  
  
Heero just looked at him and brought one bag up to his room, leaving a bewildered Duo in the kitchen.  
  
Heero sat on his bed looking deeply at the bottle of "cursed scents". Did he really believe that curses were real? If he opened the jar would a curse really fall upon him?  
  
He put his hand on the lid of the bottle and nervously clamped onto it. 'I have to open it or I'll never get rid of this feeling...' His heart was pounding and his hand was slowly getting ready to pull off the lid.  
  
"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"  
Heero freaked and his arm had pulled back, ripping off the lid. He dropped the jar and stormed downstairs. He went down to the living room and looked at the four faces. "Who screamed?"  
Everyone saw the rage on his face and didn't speak.  
"Who screamed?"  
Duo whimpered.  
  
"You?" he demanded.  
  
Duo nodded and buried his head in Quatre shoulder, obviously terrified of Heero's rage and what he might do.  
  
"Wufei was strangling him," Trowa stated.  
  
Wufei gulped.  
  
So, Heero strangled Wufei until justice was served.  
  
Heero, the job taken care of, returned back upstairs to the bottle on the floor. He picked it up and gazed at it. Nothing has happened yet. He looked inside and out. That curse was probably something the dealer made up to get him to trade that ring for something else. He couldn't imagine why he believed it. He looked at it again, then finally sniffed inside.  
  
Boom! "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
No one seemed to have heard Heero scream bloody murder, for it was over powered by Duo's scream when Wufei began to strangle him again.  
  
Quatre was making dinner, chopping vegetables for his stew. He heard the two fighting. "Stop it you two! Remember what Heero did! He'll come back over and-Ouch!" he accidentally cut his finger. "Aw man, Duo take over cooking for me will you?"  
  
"Sure! Duo rubbed his hands together craftily. "I'll be a good chef!"  
  
"I'm sure you will." Quatre mumbled but stopped when he remembered that the doctor told him to stop encouraging Duo.  
  
He went to the bathroom, but it was being used. So, Quatre went to Heero's room, for Heero had a bathroom in his room. Believe it or not, in the beginning, Heero had a problem getting to the bathroom in the hallway at night because it was so dark; would be feeling around for an hour, and would end up wetting the floor. So, Trowa and him switched rooms so Heero could have the bathroom. Quatre couldn't imagine such a perfect soldier having a bad sense of direction.  
  
Heero's room was fairly clean, a white shirt on the floor, drawers open with clothes hanging out, bed covers thrown over one side of the bed and- What's this? Porno magazines were sticking out from under the mattress? Quatre frowned. 'Heero must have gotten a hold of those from Zechs when they went over to his house last week.' He giggled, "That's sad."  
  
Quatre stepped up to the bathroom mirror and yanked it opened, grabbing a box of band-aids. He heard a scuffling noise and turned to see what it was. He didn't see anything. It was probably nothing. Done with wrapping his finger, he shut the mirror, noticing the bottle in its reflection. He turned and walked over to it. He looked down at it and felt a chill of wonder. He picked it up looking inside and out. Then he noticed a faint smell. Was it from the bottle? Quatre brought it up to his nose-  
  
Duo was humming a ditty and wearing Quatre's apron with chickens on it, while cooking the stew. "I feel funny, no, silly." he said to himself, " Hey, this is something girls do! I'm not a girl!" but he started thinking, "Hey! Maybe I'll just be a girl for today. I can scold Wufei for choking a lady and send Heero up to his room, tee-hee!" He felt something tug on his pant leg. He looked down. There was a scream--of joy! "Wow Heero, look how little you are!"  
  
A crying Heero-chibi was being squeezed by a girlish Duo. "Lemme' go, Doo! Hide me! I'm so ug-wee!"  
  
"Aw," Duo cooed, "You're not ugly, Heero, I think you're the cutest thing in the world! What happened to you?"  
  
"I smelleded da boddle," Heero said in baby words.  
  
Duo clapped his hands in uncontrollable excitement. 'This chibi is soooooooo cute! Who cares how he got this way! He needs a parent.' Duo regained his manly composure. "I got it! Call me 'daddy' okay?" Duo smiled.  
  
"Nuh-uh,"  
  
"Wha-?"  
  
The chibi pointed at the braid. "Long hair."  
  
"Call me 'daddy'!"  
  
"No!" Chibi points at apron.  
  
"I said-"  
  
Heero started to cry and Duo well knew he had lost the battle over his own gender. "Okay, you can call me 'mommy'." The chibi was now ecstatic.  
  
A sob could be heard before the newcomer ran in. "MOMEEEEEE!!!" another chibi entered the kitchen and jumped into Duo's arms. "I not right, Doo, I smelleded da bad boddle and now wook at me!" He cried.  
  
Duo immediately recognized it as Quatre. "No, you're not ugly. Why, I was just telling Heero here that he wasn't repulsive. I don't know what's going on here but-" He was distracted by their cuteness so much, he forgot about his sentence.  
  
"She's my mommy!" Heero screamed and shoved Quatre.  
  
"Nuh-uh, she's my mommy!" and smacked the other.  
  
It finally registered in Duo's mind that he had a secret. Not only a secret, but also two babies as well! Now Duo felt responsible. He felt like a parent and it felt great.  
  
So, Duo sighed lovingly and separated the two wrestling chibis, slinging one over each shoulder. They sighed too, having found comfort and a loving 'parent'. "Ok, kiddies, I gotta make soup for you!"  
  
Little Heero chewed on the tuff of Duo's braid, taking off the hair tie and chewing on that as well. Duo's only guess was that he was teething.  
  
Quatre licked a familiar lollipop and offered some to Duo, "Grape?"  
  
"No, thank you."  
  
Then the chibi offered some to Heero, "Grape?"  
  
Heero had a lick.  
  
Duo giggled and put them down, taking out pots and pans for them to play with. "I gotta get you some toys so you-"  
  
"What on earth is that!?"  
  
Duo freaked. "Trowa! W-what are you doing here?"  
  
Trowa's jaw was dropped and he immediately fell to the floor. Little Heero crawled toward him and sat on his back clapping and singing, "Twoowa fell and bwoke his head, now he sleeping!"  
  
Quatre wailed and pointed to Trowa, "Daddy fell and getted hurt Mommy!"  
  
"Daddy?!" Duo's eye twitched.  
  
Suddenly Wufei came stomping into the kitchen "What was that noise? Where's- ack!" he tripped over Trowa's body which was still lying on the floor in shock. Wufei got up and dusted himself off, "Why the hell is Barton laying on the floor? Baka."  
  
"GRANDPA!!"  
  
"WHAT!?" Wufei sweat dropped and started to back away.  
  
"Grandpa! He's here, Momma, Grandpa's here!" the chibis screamed, tackling and latching onto Wufei, whose eyes were switching back and forth.  
  
"Why are they calling me grandpa?"  
  
Duo shrugged.  
  
Wufei was having great trouble with Quatre, while Heero climbed onto the table. He went to the edge, looked down at Wufei, picked up a flowerpot and smashed it over Wufei's head. Wufei fell to the ground, his head cracked open.  
  
"Oh my God! Grand-I mean-Wufei!" Duo screamed and went to call an ambulance.  
  
The two kids sat on Wufei and looked at what was inside his head. A purple oozy looking thing peeked out and at the kids, then squiggled out of Wufei's head and under the fridge, the kids chasing behind it.  
  
Duo franticly ran in, spotting the chibis looking under the fridge. He grabbed them and put them on the couch, changing the TV channel to a children's show. "You two just sit here and watch TV. Don't move from this spot!" then he ran back into the kitchen. The kids clapped to the TV.  
  
Trowa slowly got up looking around. He walked to the couch, stone-faced, and sat down between the chibis. He glanced side to side at them and they smiled up at him in return. "Who am I?" he asked suddenly, looking at the kids.  
  
"You're Daddy!" the chibis clapped. "Mommy's in the kitchen wid Grandpa, 'cuz his bwain fell out and went under the fwidgerator!"  
  
"Oh," Trowa got up and jogged to the kitchen. He looked down at Wufei. Then, very quickly, Wufei shot up. He looked around, spotted the TV and ran to it, hugging it tightly, his face rubbing the screen. Then he sat down on the couch and started to clap along with the kids and singing to Barney.  
  
"Oh, Dear, I so glad you're alright! How about a kiss?" Trowa held his arms out to Duo and puckered his lips.  
  
Duo freaked and was cornered near the sink. He grabbed a plate and smashed it over Trowa's head, but he kept coming. He heard the doorbell ring. Duo found a gap between Trowa's arm and the sink and ran to the door. Wufei was singing to Barney, "I love you, you love me-"  
  
Duo hurriedly opened the door. "Oh, good your-"  
  
Wufei got up and ballerina danced before hitting the wall, leaving a deep body print.  
  
The ambulance freaked and drove away with their sirens on.  
  
"Wonder what that was about?" Duo scratched his head.  
  
Trowa came up behind him and hugged him by the waist. "How 'bout that kiss?"  
  
The kids screamed, "Kiss Daddy, Mommy, Daddy wants a big kiss!"  
  
Duo screamed. Trowa puckered. The kids were playing leapfrog. Wufei was licking the carpet.  
  
The door burst open and two Chinese men dressed in white marched in and wrestled Wufei into a straight jacket. Duo looked out the window, Trowa still attached, and looked at the truck, it read:  
  
Chinese Happy House  
  
For The Criminally Insane;)  
  
Duo raised an eyebrow. He was totally confused. He picked up Heero and sat him down on the couch. "Now what were you-Trowa get off me!!" He pushed the loving Trowa away. "What were you saying about a bottle?"  
  
The chibi sucked his thumb and shrugged.  
  
"Where did you get it?"  
  
The chibi finally realized and said, "Fwee maket,"  
  
"Flea market?" Duo grabbed both of the kids and ran out the door, Trowa following protectively behind. "Trowa, you stay here!"  
  
Trowa crossed his arms and snorted, "You've been acting like you hate me all day! Do you want a divorce or something?"  
  
"Yes-I mean no-wait-yes-eeerrrr!" Duo then just looked at Trowa. "Fine!" then he gave Trowa a peck on the cheek. He spat and wiped his mouth. "There! Are you happy?"  
  
Trowa nodded, smiling red faced.  
  
So Duo put the kids in the car and flew down the streets to the flea market  
  
Duo walked along the streets of the flea market, Heero in a baby harness on his back and Quatre in a stroller. "Anything look familiar Heero?"  
  
Heero with his big Prussian eyes the size of headlights, scanned the area. "AHH! Dat one wight dere!" he said pointing a wet finger to a purple shop.  
  
Duo stormed over to the clerk, Stella, and grabbed her by the collar of her outfit. "You sold something to my friend and now look at him!" he turned around and showed her Heero.  
  
"Hi," he said in a little voice and gave a little wave.  
  
She snorted and pointed at the baby, "I warned you not to open it you fool!"  
  
"Wasn't my fault!" protested the chibi  
  
"Change them back!" Duo screamed.  
  
Stella shook her head. "The curse comes off only when the cursed one eats the nastiest thing in his life! I have nothing to do with this!"  
  
Duo sighed.  
  
Duo flopped down on the couch with the kids and sighed. "Ah, how am I going to do this? Let's see now--"  
  
Trowa poked his head over the couch. "Look what I got, Honey!" he said holding out a bowl of soup. "You forgot to finish the soup!"  
  
Duo opened one eye and looked at it. "That's it! Quatre said I was a bad cook, so I'll do what I do best, Screw up the food!" Duo bounced into the kitchen leaving the others behind.  
  
"Psst, I think she's got the hots for me," Trowa whispered to the kids. They giggled.  
  
Duo poured tons of sugar, salt, pepper, pickles, onions, cheese and tons of other items into the pot. "Don't worry guys, you'll be back to normal soon!"  
  
Soon, two bowls of the nastiest soup in the world ever spawned was sitting in front of the two chibis. They looked at each other, then up at Duo.  
  
"Mommy, this looks nasty!" Heero said holding his nose.  
  
"Sowry, that might be my diaper," Quatre said looking down at his pants. "Well, it smells like one!"  
  
"Just eat it!"  
  
So the chibis stuck their whole faces into their bowls and slurped up the hideous concoction.  
  
Pop!  
  
Duo's eyes met those of Heero and Quatre, the normal pair. "It worked!" Duo danced around the two and they stared at him. "What?"  
  
Heero and Quatre both slapped him. "Don't you ever feed us something like that again! We'll kill you!!"  
  
"I need to change my pants," Quatre stated with a blush.  
  
Trowa scooted towards Duo. "Don't I get something?"  
  
"Oh yes," Duo said smiling.  
  
He bashed Trowa over the head with a vase. He fell to the floor.  
  
Two minutes later, Trowa lifted his head off the ground. "Quatre? Guys? What happened?"  
  
Quatre screamed and hugged Trowa. "Big brother!!" Duo and Heero gagged.  
  
"What happened to Wufei?" Trowa looked around.  
  
The phone rang. Duo picked it up. It was Wufei, "Help! They're spanking me in here-ow! They don't let you go to the bathroom until 6:00 p.m. and they bring Cocoa pebbles to eat! Help! Oh yeah, and bring a snickers bar-"  
  
Duo hung up. "Wrong number!"  
  
Owari 


End file.
